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HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK"
- She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
She is not a "DUMB BLONDE"
- She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION
SUPERHIGHWAY."
She is not an "AIRHEAD"!
- She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
She does not "NAG" you
- She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
And to be fair -
LET'S SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
He does not have a "BEER GUT"
- He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
He is not a "BAD DANCER"
- He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME"
- He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER"
- He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK"
- He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG"
- He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT"
- He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism
Life is sexually transmitted
The mind is like a parachute;
it works much better when it's open.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right
thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong
thing at a tempting moment.
A penny saved...is a government oversight.
Birds of a
feather flock together, and then they poop on your car.
Duct tape is like
the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe
together.
By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
Everything should be made as simple
as possible, but no simpler.
If you can smile when
things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Not one shred of
evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice
contrast to the real world.
There is absolutely no
substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is always one more imbecile than
you counted on.
There is no such thing
as a useless person, they can always be used as an example.
'Stewardesses' is the
longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
How many vegetarians do
you know who wear leather coats?
Without "Coming up next" what would news
casters have left to say?
While we are at it, take
away "Basically", "You know" and "I mean" a lot of others would be
unable to talk.
Basically, I mean that
might not be too bad, you know.
How important does a person have to be
before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we
figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still
called a hearing?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a
radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by
a mouse?
The Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune.
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
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